A relationship can be the loneliest experience in the world when two people can’t face each other



I hurry to pick up the kids from kindergarten, spin the grocery store, come home, and start putting food in the family. After a while, the front door opens and my husband comes home. He shouts a greeting from the door and disappears into the room of the study. When the food is ready we eat together quickly, after which the study room and the computer waiting there call again. I take care of the children’s afternoons and when I finally get them to sleep, there’s a moment to relax before the bed calls and the same rumba starts the next morning at six.

We were home to a two-story crowd. The kids and I lived upstairs and my husband stayed downstairs immersed in their own stuff. Usually we only met at the dinner table and in the evening when I was already tired of the day and ready to sink into the night tree. My husband didn’t understand why I didn’t get close to him very often anymore. I myself realized what had been wrong only after the spoons had been put up and I had found a new partner by my side.

Longing for a deep connection

When I realized what was most important to me in a relationship, I tried to explain it to my husband. I talked about how much I missed a deep encounter, that kind of real connection and intimacy. I wanted to talk about more than just children, and about work and everyday life around the world. I wanted to feel that the other is mentally present when I talk about important things. I wanted to look into my eyes and see that the other one is really in it for me and not light years away in their own thoughts. I wanted to feel more interesting than the virtual world that opened up through a computer screen. I was starving for a lack of connection between hearts.

In a long relationship, there is a danger that the true presence and small attentions will be forgotten. The other is thoroughly familiar and always in it. It doesn’t bother to see any more effort ahead in the relationship and imagine that all is well as long as there is no arguing. Gradually, the mental distance grows and the real encounter no longer takes place. Lack of emotional connection, especially for women, is a big reason for divorce. The matter may have been biting for years and attempts have been made to discuss it with the spouse, but to no avail. Eventually, the loneliness grows so great that it is better to be really alone than lonely in a relationship.

What did I learn from all this?

Perhaps my most important insight was related to my own needs. As a particularly sensitive person, I miss a relationship that feels most important in a relationship. My desire for experience, on the other hand, means I can’t stand the same routine for very long. That is why I have tried to create as much freedom and variety in my life as possible. By arranging the appropriate stimuli for myself, I stay happier and it also benefits my relationship. Taking care of myself, being curious about life and the desire to develop as a person keep my mind fresh and make me a more comfortable life partner.

As cliché as it sounds, I also understood the importance of honest communication. If I can’t talk about my feelings and needs, there will be unnecessary misunderstandings, frustration, and disappointment. Even small annoyances grow into a large lump over time when they are swept sufficiently under the rug. They had to learn to speak even more and express even difficult feelings at the risk of a quarrel.

In fact, quarreling is quite important and can even be a thing that strengthens a relationship, as long as it is handled smartly. When arguing, there are a few rules to keep in mind so that disputes don’t break the relationship:

Be sure to talk to each other respectfully, even when arguing. No barking or blows under the belt.
Tell us how you feel and what you would miss instead of blaming.
Stay on topic. When arguing, do not dig up all the abominations of the past.
Listen and try to understand another’s perspective as well.
Ask if you don't understand. Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or meaning.
Be prepared to admit your own mistakes as well and apologize.
If you feel like you can’t control yourself, whistle the game for a moment and come back to it when you’re calm.
As you get to know yourself and understand your history, you will also be better able to explain to your partner why you are doing what you are doing and what you need.

In my current relationship, it is paramount for me to maintain contact with my partner. Everyday life flattens out in a good relationship at times, but it can always be revived when both have the will to keep in touch. I have noticed that when the emotional connection is maintained, for a long time the relationship does not become boring, but you can always find new dimensions and depth in the relationship. Even very small things can make someone feel important and loved. Here are some ideas:

Offer help without asking.
Listen and be really present when the other is talking to you.
Show interest in your partner.
Take a break from everyday life and surprise your partner with a little romantic gesture.
Tell your partner that h.